The Random Events of M, W, P and P
by pockit sushi
Summary: Random, irrelevant things that happened to the Marauders whilst in school. O__0 Yeah.


Warning: This has been rated PG-13 for language and some not-so- subtle innuendoes. Make sure you look that word up and understand it before you read any further. There's also one small parody of the Love-Hate thing between James and Lily, a mistreatment of elves, and parts where you might not know who's speaking.  
  
Author's Notes: This has absolutely nothing to do with anything. I apologize to those who expected something relevant, or at least something sane. It won't happen, so stop hoping. Also, I put the characters to Sirius and Remus, only because they're the best. Some of the stories might not include them.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own it. Everything except that random Jillery Snakerbyt belongs to J. K. Rowling. In fact, she can have Jillery! I'll trade for Sirius, a'ighty? ^__^  
  
-- | The Random Events of Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs | -- -- | Chapter the First: Of Plans and Pillows | --  
  
"Please?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Please?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Please?"  
  
"Are you ever going to give up?"  
  
Sirius grinned maniacally, dropping down on James' lap and extracting a prompt OOF. "Now, what kind of question is that?"  
  
James sighed depravedly. There wasn't any point, really, in having this argument - he had given in on a previous So-Crazy-It-Just-Might-Work- Idea-By-Master-Not-Quite-So-Serious-Black. His last need for noise involved trying to convince house elves that Muggle beer wasn't really as intoxicating as others made it sound. Unfortunately, as whoever-said-this, every action has a reaction. Every up has a down. Life is like a roller coaster. Every dog has his day. but now we're getting off topic. In result, the poor drunken elves weren't as subtle as they should have been. For one day, students repeatedly found rum instead of pumpkin juice in their flasks, crude messages in their spell books, and horny elves in their beds. This plan would, undoubtedly, be much the same.  
  
"All right, Padfoot, what master scheme have you concocted this time?"  
  
"Yay! Well, you see, I was watching these crazy commercials on the telly over the summer, and then I got this really awesome idea. It involves a magic potion that turns your skin grey, and one that turns your head into something that looks remarkably like a hippopa. hippopu. hipper."  
  
"Hippopotamus? Alright. So how're you gonna convince people to drink this?"  
  
"WEIGHT LOSS!"  
  
'Oh, fuck' were, I believe, the exact words that were groaning inside James' head at that moment. "Now, Sirius, you know that that might hurt other peoples feelings."  
  
The 16-year-old boy's voice trailed off hopelessly, for the aforementioned insane idiot had begun to ramble on endlessly about whom they would try this on. Several names included Gilderoy Lockhart, a chubby and foul-smelling Hufflepuff, and Jillery Snakerbyt, an incredibly egotistical and 'bubbly' - as Sirius called her - Slytherin. James couldn't help a grin.  
  
"You're an ass, did you know that?"  
  
"Yeah, well you're a. a. LILYLOVINGBALLERINA."  
  
James' eye twitched. It was, of course, common knowledge that he despised Lily. *Coughyeahrighthackchoke*  
  
"This means war."  
  
~~  
  
Two hours, five pillows, and hundreds of unprintable words later (many of them following the lines of "bastard", "mother fucker", and "man whore"), the two Marauders collapsed on Peter's bed.  
  
"Stho, how a'out sthe puh-lan?" said Sirius through a mouthful of feathers.  
  
"How about we name it 'The Jenny Craig Way'?"  
  
"What, after that crazy, anorexic, money-hungry witch? Naaah, that's a stupid name. We should name it. 'U. R. A. Nimrod'! It's great! Good idea, Padfoot! Why yes, I would like some champaign. Oh, Mrs Randomsexylady. Behave, you naughty girl. OH, STEPHANIE!"  
  
"Sirius?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Stop humping the pillow."  
  
"Can't you see this a very special moment between me and Peter's cushiony friend?"  
  
"Look, I know you're pretty desperate to get laid, but really, this isn't the way."  
  
"Shut up, donkeybutt."  
  
"Bitch."  
  
"Whore.  
  
"Skank."  
  
"KISS ME, YOU FOOL!"  
  
".Okay, no."  
  
Among James' shrieks and Sirius' fruitless attempts to discover his sexuality, they never actually got around to performing the U. R. A. Nimrod act. Mainly because the author was much too lazy to write it up, but we won't get into that. I'm sure it would have been very funny. Just try to imagine it: a fat Gilderoy. I know you laugh.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
LAUGH NOW OR BE DOOMED. 


End file.
